One of those weeks...

It's how I roll baby!

Well, I've been a little absent from my Blog because it's just been one of those crappy weeks.  And yes, it was also PMS week, one can tell because Lovely husband can be found quietly tip toeing around the house for fear of setting off the beast.  Combined with a busy week at work and the usual to-ing and fro-ing of our little family there just didn't seem to be a moment to be creative and write. 
This week also resulted in a massive anxiety attack.  For those of you who don't know me well, I have a Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which is controlled for the most part, mostly by avoiding anything that makes me anxious.  However, this week I had such a pressure in my chest I was dead certain that I was in fact having a heart attack.  After humming and ha-ing and almost going to the emergency room, I took myself to the doctor.  I explained the pressure in my chest and the horrible anxiety and a host of other symptoms and that I was probably having a heart attack, going to die young and leave my children motherless!  She did not jump to her feet and call an ambulance, no, she said:
 "Those are not normal thoughts, you are having an anxiety attack"
" But it's been days!" I wailed.  "And I'm not stresssed or upset!"
"Yes" she says.
So, after a drink and an Ativan and the reassurance of having blood tests and an EKG, it seems I was not having any sort of heart attack, just a lovely anxiety attack brought on for no reason other than my screwed up chemistry.
Now, the comment she made about "normal thoughts" got me reflecting because these may not be "normal thoughts", and I can tell you they're not always fun thoughts, but they are mine nonetheless and they live in my head everyday.  These thoughts and I have to learn to live together and for the most part we rub along well enough, not always in agreement but tolerating one another.  The thing is, this time the anxiety was sneaky!  It wasn't brought on by "not normal thoughts", those thoughts followed after Mr. Anxiety creeped in and started crushing my chest.  When one has this physical pain it seems reasonable enough to me to jump to conclusions but apparently this time, the thoughts and I were wrong and just making Mr. Anxiety thrive.

Now, I should also mention that I tend to go about my daily life with my "abnormal thoughts" swirling around in my head and this makes daily tasks just a little more daunting then maybe it would be for someone who doesn't have anxiety.  I don't know because I've always been this way and it's just how I live.  Every trip in the car could be our last, everytime I leave my kids it could be the last time I EVER see them, every time I go to the grocery store I forget why I'm there and kinda panic, every time I get sick I freak out because this time, it's a terrible disease!
Lovely husband is used to me, he just smiles and nods and reassures but I awlays secretly think
 'Yes, but THIS time I'm right and we will crash the car and you'll see I was right!"
Thankfully I'm never right, but worrying continuously that one day a disaster will occur is futile because we all know that one day a disaster WILL occur.  I know in my head that this is futile but me and my thoughts just can't help ourselves. 
And so, Keep Calm and Carry On my friends.
J.