Bittersweet May Days



Ian helping to bake his birthday cake...who needs pants anyway?

Newborn Ian

A whole bunch of my favorite people have birthdays in May.  My Mom, my 2 sisters and my 2 sons.  This year there is a lot to plan in terms of parties for my boys because they are each having a proper kiddie party on the weekend preceeding their respective birthdays, plus we will have mini-birthday parties with family and presents and cake on their actual birthdays, plus we have to send snacks to their pre-school/school for their birthday.  Lots to do!



Owen as a baby

I find myself REALLY excited for them this time around.  They are both old enough to know what's coming and to be super excited about it all.  But this made me reflect about them as babies, and about how much they've grown and will continue to grow until these busy birthday days are done. 
I'm a little sad that we won't be having any more babies in our house but also realistic about what we can handle emotionally, physically and financially.

I told Lovely Husband a few months back that I still have this super strong URGE for another baby.  It must be nature's way of getting humans to reproduce because it's such a strong feeling it almost eradicates logical and reasonable thinking.  Lovely Husband was up for the task of being the voice of reason.
Me "Maybe we could have another one."
LH "No, no way, I'm 40, I'm tired and I can't do it."
Alrighty then, that's the end of that! 
If I'm being completely honest, I do crave another baby.  I do feel like there is still an empty spot, like I'm waiting for someone. BUT, I am tired too, I can barely cope with the worry and Mommy guilt with the 2 I have.  I'm not physically strong enough to endure another pregnancy and to be frank, I don't think my fragile , anxiety ridden mind could do it all again.  Yet the urge remains. 

And so I'm finding that gearing up for birthdays number 3 and 5 a little extra poignant this year.  There is no more baby or toddler, we are moving onwards and our 2 boys are strong and amazing and healthy and fun and enough work for us!  So while I'm so thankful to see my kids thrive and grow I miss my babies too.