Thankful

Today I feel thankful.  I'm making some progress with the anxiety medication and feel like I'm getting a part of myself back.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still anxious and neurotic but now I don't feel like there is a cement block on my chest or like the slightest challenge will push me over the edge.
We just got through Littlest Boys birthday celebrations and are greaing up for Sisters (x2) birthday celebrations this Friday and Bigger Boy's party on Sunday.  I am coping, it's amazing.
In a world surrounded by sad and terrible things I do spend a lot of energy worrying that something horrific will befall my family.  My empathy for those who are going through something impossibly hard makes me sad for them but also think "If it can happen to them, it can happen to us".  And so I worry but I'm not obsessing.
Today I am thankful for the now, thankful for all beautiful, loveliness in my life TODAY.

Bittersweet May Days



Ian helping to bake his birthday cake...who needs pants anyway?

Newborn Ian

A whole bunch of my favorite people have birthdays in May.  My Mom, my 2 sisters and my 2 sons.  This year there is a lot to plan in terms of parties for my boys because they are each having a proper kiddie party on the weekend preceeding their respective birthdays, plus we will have mini-birthday parties with family and presents and cake on their actual birthdays, plus we have to send snacks to their pre-school/school for their birthday.  Lots to do!



Owen as a baby

I find myself REALLY excited for them this time around.  They are both old enough to know what's coming and to be super excited about it all.  But this made me reflect about them as babies, and about how much they've grown and will continue to grow until these busy birthday days are done. 
I'm a little sad that we won't be having any more babies in our house but also realistic about what we can handle emotionally, physically and financially.

I told Lovely Husband a few months back that I still have this super strong URGE for another baby.  It must be nature's way of getting humans to reproduce because it's such a strong feeling it almost eradicates logical and reasonable thinking.  Lovely Husband was up for the task of being the voice of reason.
Me "Maybe we could have another one."
LH "No, no way, I'm 40, I'm tired and I can't do it."
Alrighty then, that's the end of that! 
If I'm being completely honest, I do crave another baby.  I do feel like there is still an empty spot, like I'm waiting for someone. BUT, I am tired too, I can barely cope with the worry and Mommy guilt with the 2 I have.  I'm not physically strong enough to endure another pregnancy and to be frank, I don't think my fragile , anxiety ridden mind could do it all again.  Yet the urge remains. 

And so I'm finding that gearing up for birthdays number 3 and 5 a little extra poignant this year.  There is no more baby or toddler, we are moving onwards and our 2 boys are strong and amazing and healthy and fun and enough work for us!  So while I'm so thankful to see my kids thrive and grow I miss my babies too.

Foreign Metal Object

So this Sunday started out innocuous enough.  We had tickets to a children's play for 10am this morning as part of a fundraising event for our pre-school.  Afterwards the kids played with their friends at the park, we came home for lunch and then I settled in for some quiet time with the boys.  No sooner had I cuddled in with with the littlest boy that I noticed the bigger boy had something in his mouth.
"What's in your mouth Owen?"
"It's jus a rmmm."
"I don't understand what you said but spit it out before you swallow it!"
He shakes his head in defiance and guess what?  He swallows the damn thing.
Now I'd like to say that my first reaction as a mother was 'Oh, my poor baby' but actually it was:
"For Christ's sake!  It's Sunday so the damn doctor is closed which means I'll have to spend hours in the emergency room and I don't wanna!"
I call the tele-health number associated with our doctor's office.  They of course say what we expected: "Take him to the emergency room."
So off I go with Owen for a fun filled afternoon at the hospital.  It was a big fun adventure for him.  He played while I frantically hand sanitized over and over again.  I hate even breathing in hospitals.  We got an x-ray which showed the piece of metal from a magnet set nestled in his stomach.  They weren't concerned and sent us home saying he'll "pass the foreign metal object" on his own.  That'll be fun.
Another day in paradise folks!
J.

These are the Best Days of my Life.

As a mother of two young and LOUD boys I often get comments from older people we meet on the street that these are the best days of my life, to enjoy them because time passes so quickly.  And while I am often stressed and tired, I do enjoy them.  I take a momemt each day to be thankful for what we have together, this little family of mine is precious and I am grateful.  I do this because I think of the people I have known who raised families and loved their spouses and worked and lived.  People who spent a lot of time looking back and reminiscing about young family days.  The memories seem to omit the hard days, the up at night with sick kids days, the I'm going to rip out my hair days and what remains are the beautiful memories.  The love remains in their hearts and minds.  And while I do know in my heart that they are right I actually had a real live person confirm this "best days of your life" theory. 
While walking with the kids on our way to kindergarden we stopped to chat with our neighbours who were waiting at a school bus stop.  There were lots of kids and parents waiting for the bus and the stop is at a corner of our local park.  The boys wanted to play and since we were a little early I told them they could play until the bus came and then we would have to continue on to Owen's school.  After the bus left and the parents dispersed I called for the boys.  One of the adults who put a child on the bus was an elderly man.  Grandparents often seem to help out in the to-ing and fro-ing of our kids.  We started chatting and as I called for the boys repeatedly and became more frustrated he naturally said: "Just remember Mom, these are the best days of your life."
"Yup, best days, uh-huh! BOYS, COME HERE NOW!"
"No really." he says. "My three daughters are now 50, 52 and 53 and I miss those days, I wish I'd spent more time with them while they were young"
So here we go with the reminiscing and the forgetting of the sleepless nights and battles over shoes.
But guess what? This guy truly knows what he's talikng about because he also has a son...wait for it...who is 10!
"Well, you've been a naughty boy" I say.
"Nope, I worked damn hard at it!" he chuckles back.  Then he says "I retired 20 years ago, I've sailed off the Florida Keys, lived abroad and you know what?  Being here, with my son is the best part of my life and I get to spend all the time I want with him"
So there you have it, someone who can look back fondly and KNOW that they are right about raising kids being the best ever because he's doing it again. Crazy.
So remember people, these ARE the best days of your life.
J.

A Day in my Little Life

The morning started off ordinary enough, but for the fact that the boys were playing really well together in Owen's room, behind a closed door.  After half an hour of this bizarre behaviour I went in to see what they were up too.  One was naked from the waist down, one was jumping on the bed and half a bottle of baby powder was liberally squirted under the bed.  Nothing like vacuuming at 7am.
Out the door to drop everyone off, spent a nice 20 minutes chatting with other Mommies in the school yard.  I always like hearing about other parents experiences.  One Mommy described staying at home with babies as "mind-numbingly boring". I hugged her for her honesty.  Being a parent is wonderful but not without it's hardships and it's always nice to meet someone who is willing to chat about the real deal of parenting and not the shiny, happy TV or Blog or magazine version of raising kids.
Off to the office where nothing exciting happened and then back to pick up the boys.
We spent an hour in the park and the kids had a ball, I thought about how much I hate the park but how much I'll probably miss it one day.  Sand in shoes, sand in the car, a chatty ride home and now time to make dinner.
When presented with his dinner the little one IMMEDIATELY began wailing and absolutely refused to try even one bite.  He managed to bawl and scream throughout the entire meal.  I told Lovely Husband to pretend it was background music at a fantastic restaurant. It didn't work.
Cheerios again for the little one, baths x2 and now 15 minutes to write this little tale while they play before bedtime.
Just another day in paradise.
J.

Easter Cookie Hell

With it being Easter and a nice long weekend I thought it would be the perfect time for a fun cookie project.  I downloaded a recipe for Brown Sugar Cookies and for icing.  I went to 3 different stores to get Easter themed cookie cutters.  The photos on the websites for the cookie and icing recipes were so pretty.  I was inspired!
Alas, I was once again a victim of false advertising.  I envisioned a messy but fun filled morning of cookie making with my boys.  I got the mess alright but it turned out to be an all day affair and not without some tears, frustration and snapping at one another.  Another Hallmark family moment.
We began in the morning with the cookie dough part of our project.  But for some jostling in front of the mixer for the "best" spot, we rubbed along nicely  for this part.  With the dough made, the next step was dividing the dough into 2 balls, flattening them and wrapping them up in plastic wrap to refrigerate for atleast 1 hour.  The dough was almost impossible to form into a dough, it was barely sticking together and cracked upon flattening.  First clue that perhaps this was a doomed project. 
After lunch and an hour and a half of "chilling" dough, the boys joined me in the kitchen for the exciting part of rolling out the dough and using cookie cutters.  Hmmm, dough is as hard as a hockey puck.  No matter, out comes the giant wooden rolling pin and some wax paper to roll the dough between.  Holy f*c*!  This dough was not cooperating.  I had to move to a lower surface to get more leverage, after using all my strength the damn dough finally starts to give but now it's cracking and falling apart on the edges.  I scoop the broken off dough back into the pile and keep on rolling.
A chorus of "My turn!" and "I want to try!" reigns out as I battle with this bitchy dough.  Now I've broken out into a sweat, I keep at it until finally I have a surface big enough to cut out about 6 bloody cookies.  I am not impressed!
The boys grab their cutters and have a shot, fighting starts over who gets to go first, who's doing it wrong, he's got my cutter!
I now realize we can re-roll the remnants and end up with 16 cookies from the first dough ball.
Time to bake them.
Boys take off because the fun is quickly wearing off as Mommy gets sweatier, hair gets crazier and my volume increases significantly.
While one batch is baking it's time to roll out ball #2.  Screw that.  I call for Lovely Husband.  He mans up to roll some dough.
"It's really hard he says". Um, ya.  Didn't I mention that?
So he starts rolling and dough begins its cracking and falling off trick. 
"It's falling apart" he says.
Move over!  I take over again and begin shoving pieces back on, he takes another turn and we are ready once again to cut out more cookies.
We bake them all up, put them on racks to cool and get followed around by little boys chanting:
 "Are they ready yet?"  "Can we decorate them now?" "How about now!"
"NOT YET!" I screech back a million times.
Finally the cookies are ready to be iced.  I make up a batch of icing.  We have 4 colours and some sprinkles.  The boys ice 2 cookies each and promptly devour them.  They are fired. 
Lovely Husband and I knuckle down and finish the job.  Lovely Husband was having fun although I'm sure he'll deny it if asked.  He iced and sprinkled and created art. 
It is now 3pm, we started at 9am.  Two words: Never. Again.
After all that work, this is the result. And no, the kids didn't do this, 2 grown people did:

Happy Easter everyone!
J.

My Muffins bring all the Boys to the Table

Orange Chocolate Chip Muffins

 On Sundays I often try to make muffins or banana bread for snacks and lunches for the coming week.  This week I did a variation on my Lemon Blueberry Muffins and it turned out to be a rather successful mission.  My boys and Lovely husband all sat down at the table to have a muffin.  Silence reigned, but for the chewing.  Needless to say, these muffins didn't make it past Tuesday.
Anytime I cook with lemon zest or orange zest I'm always amazed at the intensity of the aroma and flavour this simple, fresh ingredient produces.  I actually use a  "microplane" type of grater, it makes it a finer zest but you can use a zester or even a box grater (on the smaller side) if that's all you have. 

Orange Chocolate Chip Muffins

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

In a large bowl mix together:

2 cups flour

1 cup sugar

3 tsp. baking powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

Zest of one large naval orange or 2 regular sized oranges

In a seperate bowl mix together:

1/2 cup melted butter

1 egg

1 cup of milk

(I usually melt butter before I start everything else to give it a chance to cool slightly.  It will curdle milk mixture a bit but this is ok-kind of a homemade buttermilk)

Fold wet ingredients into dry, batter will be lumpy.  Gently fold in 1 cup of semi-sweet chocolate chips.

Make sure you spray muffin tin with cooking spray before evenly pouring into a 12 muffin tin. 

Bake 20-30 minutes.

Mister "I don't like it" cleared his plate

Happy Cooking!
J.